Today is my father's 17th day after he lost his worldly life. Last 16 days has been one of horrifying and saddest moments of my life. Never in my life i have cried so much.. My father's last moments with me is running like a black and white movie in the background. I wanted to express my grievance in some forum and i chose my own blog rather than putting it somewhere. At the end of my blog, i wanted to have a new beginning with a positive approach to life.
It all started with my catching a flight to Chennai to attend my cousin brother's marriage in Chennai. It was all usual and i did not find anything circumspect that something terrible is going to happen in the next 2 days. I reached home at 10.30 pm with the help of my brother in law. I found my father settled in his bedroom and as usual i did not go and wish him.. i don't know all throughout my life, he has only come to see, call and care for me. After finishing my dinner and when i was trying to settle, he came from his bedroom and asked me how am i.. i did not even wish him as usual and did not ask how he was keeping his health.. As i write this, tears are rolling down from my eyes. i feel i did not take care of him enough.. In his usual style he started listing down the things i should do the next day. Firstly he asked me to go to post office and start the formalities for getting back my NSC matured amount. Secondly he asked me whether i will visit Tirupathi for Lord Balaji and if so asked me to go to T Nagar and get myself registered for the darshan... Thirdly his most haunted subject, my marriage. I was all the time avoiding eye contact with him for this subject because i always felt he may chose a life partner of his choice for me.. Many of my choices in my life are influenced by him. My schooling, what dress to wear, where to go, how to go, REC Trichy, Mechanical engineering etc etc. He was always there for me till i attained the age of 21 when i passed out engineering degree. Hence i was a little worried that he will push his choice on me for my marriage. We agreed that once he comes back from Tirupathi, we will visit some of the profiles he has shortlisted based on the horroscope. He asked me to give him a call next day to tell me on the profiles i liked.. Then we spoke some usual stuff and my mother pulled him on a point that he wanted to make engagement in a week time. Then he went back to sleep and after sometime he was calling my niece incessantly for which me and my mother started yelling at him. Frankly we did not know that that was his last night with us. My mother and I then retired to the bedroom where he was sleeping. As usual he made his bedding perfectly to suit him and kept a mosquito bat nearby him. He always wanted a noiseless, mosquito-less and broom cleaned room so that he can have a good sleep. Atleast till 60, he only used to sleep in the night and even if he sleeps in the afternoon, he wakes up fast and do something or the other. After 10 or 15 minutes, he was hitting mosquito with the bat. I think that was the last moment he was with me and i never knew that he will ever sleep alongside with me. Next day morning he left our house Tirupathi by walk and i can only hear some rumblings. My mother just gave a usual send off to him not realizing that he will never be back to us in his real form.
The next day i went to my sister's and cousin brother's place. I stayed at my cousin brother's place during the evening and night. Last night, my father asked me to give him a call next day around 6 pm and give him feedback. Again, i ignored him and did not give him a call. Around 8.30 pm, my brother in law gave me a call and told me that my father wanted to talk to me. I was not aware that it will be his last call to me.. all throughout my life he was the one who has taken care of me. We spoke and i felt he was satisfied with my answers especially about my marriage for which i told him that i am willing to see the shortlisted girls and take a decision after considering pros and cons. He retired the call and i was a little apprehensive that he might have found that me and my mom are at my cousin's place which is against his protocol. However he did not ask a question about it.
I and my mother slept at different rooms and i did not get good sleep as it is a new place and it was a little chill. Next day i woke up at 5 am and started completing my usual bathing and toilet stuff.. again i did not find anything usual. i was ready by 6 am and went to meet my relatives in the morning. My mother was ready and my relatives were getting ready for my brother's marriage. it was all usual and we started around 6.45 am towards mandap. i and my mom went in a scooty and on the way picked up some money from ATM. I did some helping stuff to my brother in arranging things and was talking to his brother in law as per my brother instruction. I received a call from my brother in law around 7.15 am and i felt it is very unusual. i felt it was not a necessary call to me.. i was a little uneasy to pick the call. reluctantly i picked to hear from my brother in law that my father was ill.. aww.. i asked if anything serious and for which he all answered that "everthing is over" and my father is dead. i was shellshocked and dont know what to say.. i told him to check him throughly for which he said he is going to a doctor. i went to my second cousin brother and my chittappa (my father's brother) and broke the news. they too were shocked. Now its my turn to tell my mom.. she was talking to someone and i asked her to come out. When she came out i broke that my father is serious and when she insisted to tell me the truth, i told her that his husband is dead. she did not believe as she repeatedly kept saying that as per his horoscope he will stay till 76 years and 2 months.
After some calls and messages to my brother in law to try and check up for him with doctors, we realized that its all over. We reached home and received my father's body. I went to receive him from the van and i did not believe he is dead. he looked like he was in a deep sleep. Me, mom and my second sister cried and cried that we lost a person who unconditionally loved us in this world. We cried that he did not enjoy himselves for the sake of us. He was such a lovely father and husband and we cried that we will miss him in our lives. I certainly dont have words to express my sorrow that how i miss my father for what he was for me and to my family.
It was then all routine that i called up his friends and relatives about his death. Many did not believe he was dead. He was so active and dynamic that he can give any young person a run for his money in doing things. About 400-500 people attended the funeral, his last journey in this world. I then took many of them to my father's body and they started sharing their last moments with him. Almost all of them told me that his last worry in his life was to arrange marriage for me. Tears started rolling down my eyes that he cared for me so much and i never reciprocated it in my life. i dont know ever i can do anything to him in return. i had interaction with his friends and relatives who recalled his life memories and for many they said he is indispensable.
Its time for me to recount his life and there is no doubt that he is a real hero for me and to many for the way he lived and achieved things in life. The earliest memory of him is he lost his mother at the age of twelve and left Jayamkondam to stay with his Mausi, Vijayathamma in Tanjore. He studied from 1st to 8th there before returned Jayamkondam to complete his 9th, 10th and PUC. The upbringing taught him that he should be impatient in doing things and being angry is a virtue to achieve many things. He felt that self-respect and self-esteem is more valuable than food and money. Being from a village, he had limited exposure to how the capitalist world operated. He started forming his own theories. From his friend Shanmugam, i recollect that he was elder to many of his friends by 4 years and had a moustache even at 9th standard. As per my Grandpa, he started taking interest in automobiles in his 9th standard by started working as a car cleaner. When i was a child he used to tell me stories about him that how he studied. He barely had food to eat and his father (my grandpa) is a inveterate drinker (that's y my father hated drinkers all throughtout his life and never touched drinking and smoking to my knowledge). He went to school during the day. After school hours he slept for 5-6 hours and woke up around 12 'o clock. He then studied for 3-4 hours. In the early morning, he used to do tailoring before going to school. He believed that hard work can only bring someone up. All thoughout his life he was a early riser. I never never in my life seen him sleeping after 5 am in the morning. He also believed that mutitasking is essential to make a comfortable living but he never managed to scale it up. Otherwise today my father would have been one of the billionaires in the world. He is never afraid putting hard work and always curious to learn new things in life. I still remember he pestering me to teach him hindi and computer in his old days.
He finished his 9th, 10th and PUC and got admitted in a polytechnic in Seerkali near Chidambaram. I remember him showing me his college whenever we passed the same by bus. I should recount my experience of roaming around with him. He is very particular for time and his schedule. He is very interested in travelling especially the temples and relatives' places. Very often he took me with him and that has taught me how much simplicity is of value. We sometimes spend nights in temples and streets and just as he received mouthfuls from me and my mother for being a miser and made us live like that. But the real intention is to teach us how worst a life can get and i should never be worried in case if i happen to live in the streets sometime in my life. He recounted that during his college studies, he managed to get money from my gandpa to pay off his bills. But it is all uncertain as my grandpa usually told him that he does not have money for his studies. He somehow managed money for his studies from friends and relatives. I remember him telling me that his close friend and a relative paid him fees once he was in dire straits. May be that is the reason, he never showed me the difficulty in paying my college fees. he was always prompt and somehow managed money for my college fees which is astronomical to his standards.
After finishing his diploma, he joined Gudiatham polytechnic as a lab assistant and then managed to work in Kirloskar oil engines. During these phases, he was diversying his skills from automobiles to plumbing to electricity. I usually hear from his friends that he had immense will power and ready to face any challenges to finish up a task. After working in Kirloskar, he managed to get a job in BSNL and in return tied a knot to my mother. Well, my mother has a lot role to play in his life and our lives. She had good skills and better intellectual skills when compared to her sisters. My father and my mother has worked a lot to bring up our family from scratch as they did not get adequate support from their parents. My father thought he will do good to his relatives and family members and hence brought his own and cousin brothers to Chennai. My mother recounts that it was very tough to manage our family as there were more people and less food to feed. Those were really tough moments for my mother who sometimes slept without food. My father, short of money then started pulling Autorickshaws to earn extra money. He used to pull auto during the day and work in nightshifts at office. However he had fights with his relatives and my mother's relatives. He is known to be one who becomes very angry and abuses people for small things.. Still people recount how he used to shout on a road for a mistake committed by my maternal uncle.
I wanted to recount my memories with him. My earliest memory is when i was five years old. I was failing in my first standard at Savior Jesus Matriculation School. I remember him that he wanted me to study in a good school. I was the youngest in my family. My sisters were mostly guinea pigs for his experiments. But he did not want to take any chance with me. For example, he used to say that a person who can study good can study at any school and will come up on his own and school has no role to play. He never believed that one should need to study in a good school to become something big in his life. I agree that he is a sterotype, makes quick judgements and does not give away his priniciples so easily. But he was a man of principles, never begged anybody and sacrificed everything for his family and sometimes for his relations. So he lovingly, against his principles, made me join a matriculation school by giving donation and regular fees. This was when i was the favorite student to some of my teachers during my LKG and UKG at a different location in Chennai. So he decided that he will make me join the best school. However i was flunking my 1st standard very badly. i don't know the reason, may be the change of place. I was failing miserably. I think after my half yearly results, i was terribly afraid to tell my father that i flunked my half yearly exams. He did not take it seriously my quarterly results as he thought change of location is the reason for my flunking. But gave me mouthfuls and beatings and warned me that he will never my report card if i flunk further. So this time i did not want to take a chance and just like that in a red pen which was not writing properly i gave 100 out of 100 and put some shit on my own. That was my first scandal i have ever done in my life. But i was very small to do such a scandal and i was easily caught by my father. Needless to say i was beaten to hell and was confined to stay at home. He met my teacher who said he needed private tuition. He then started abusing my teacher that want of private tuition she is failing his son. Then ultimately he challenged her that he will make sure his son will come up in studies without private tuitions and infact not making him study in a matriculation ever. I was then asked to study at home. He regularly took tuitions to me and he brought some of the finest English books. He was very worried that somehow i was losing track of my studies and he could not digested it. He spent a whole lot of time into me teaching English and Maths. He declared me that he will not send me to school unless i vow to get 1st rank and he was all preparation for me to send me look after the cattle. I was very afraid and told him that i will study and he made me join a corporation school nearby directly in 2nd standard after writing a basic exam that i am capable of handling 1st standard lessons. It was a Tamil medium and i always came 1st in my studies. I was the favorite student among the teachers yet again. He was very happy for me and yet he did not stop him selves in teaching me. I learnt that how bold he was and ready to challenge anyone if he finds it to be faulty. I miss your teachings, Nina. You have taught me to be strong at your bad phase. You have taught me to be self confident and work on our judgments. You have taught me to challenge people boldly when they are wrong.
After my 5th standard, he wanted me to shift to an English medium school. Once again my sisters were the reason. My sisters gave a feedback that learning English will be tougher at 11th standard which they were undergoing. However he made sure that he will not put me in a matriculation or a hi-fi schools in chennai. I once again studied in a government school. But he never lost touch of my studies. He usually sits with me and taught me subjects. I still remember he coming back from my office and once i see his bicycle, i run to my home to start studying. I just hated that he did not liked any sports and wanted me to concentrate on studies full time. He was thrusting his childhood theories on me. That made me a little annoyed to him. He used to beat me if i happen to play cricket more than the time prescribed by him. But what i all understand is that he was having a purpose. He wanted me to study which he terribly missed it because of poverty in his life. I was never said no for any books and education material. But i was never encouraged to take up any game. All he was saying if i wanted to be a cricketer or any sportsperson, i should be of national repute. He had his calculations.
He was no ordinary man. All throughout his life he had a single ambition of bringing up his family to a level that the world can know.
He used to tell me to go out and explore the world till then. When i was a kid, he used to take me to his office and introduce me to his colleagues and allow me to look at the office stuff. As a kid he made me roam around most of his favorite temples and relative houses, shout at me for not learning his favorite subjects automobiles, electricity, plumbing, painting, gardening etc. Tears are rolling down that i will terribly miss his well known multitasking skills.. he was named "all in all alagurajan (Multitasker)" by his colleagues..
Just a pause i took before i continue writing this. I could not find time in the last few months to continue. But its almost a year and in sometime that i will do rituals for my father's first death anniversary. For the past few months i have become spiritual, strong, mature and ready to face challenges that are impending in my life. In fact the greatest learning that my father gave me is that after his death, he is still alive and will always with me. This i write because not only i experienced him in some occasions but i find that there is something in me that he wants me to achieve. In this quest, i became very spiritual and started reading more about the metaphysical part of life. I feel the question that "What after death" will remain a secretive ever. But i wish whereever he be, he will always be good. I pray that i will make amends for certain things in my lifetime and i am whole and soul responsible for making amends that he could not do in his lifetime. Nina, i love you, i miss you.. Seriously u have been an excellent father but i have never paid the attention that you wanted me too. But let me do my duty. Let you be my path. Let you be my destination. Let you be my wisdom. Let you be my truth. I know I troubled you a lot. But if at all i am given a chance to serve you, i will do my best. But i want you to reach heaven, be happy and let your soul be at peace. I want you to be with me always. The biggest learning you taught me is the last few months after your death. I have become strong with you leaving me and Amma. but we know you are always there for us and would come back whenever we want you to. But let me assure you i am still trying to figure out my path as last few months has not been the best. But i dont want to bog you down with this. Because i dont want to disturb you. No longer i want you take me as a burden on your shoulders. Let me do my duty as a son. Let you be at PEACE.